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The Perils of Ikea

(c) Ikea inc
This is the story of young man out on a quest, the perils of that quest and the ultimate end of that quest.

I set out yesterday on an errand to replace my current coffee table, in my mind this was a simple task, but I had no idea of the perils that lay ahead. I drove down to a local furniture store, Ikea, which specializes in cheap but stylish furniture. I figured it would take me about 15 minutes to accomplish my mission, get in, get a table, get out. Boy was I wrong!

My first problem when I arrived is that I found out Ikea had moved. They used to be in the mall, but as I was in the parking lot looking at where Ikea had been I noticed a large stadium sized building about a quarter mile away with parking garage directly adjacent to it, and say a big blue sign with yellow words which spelled out I-K-E-A. I figured my best bet would be to head in that direction.

As I pulled into the parking garage and found a space along with the thousands of other customers out that beautiful Saturday, I took comfort in the sheer number of people shopping at this store, This many people can’t be wrong right? I entered the building through an elevator in the parking garage, and quickly found myself mingling with the masses looking for the living room section. Now for those of you who aren’t familiar with Ikea there are not many sales associates, I guess they figure you, the customer, have good taste (or odd taste in some cases) and the merchandise will pretty much sell itself. They do have sales associates at strategic locations in order to guide you to the next area of your shopping pleasure, mediate in differences in husband and wife’s tastes make sure children do not jump on the coffee tables.

As I came upon the coffee tables about 15 minutes had passed, I figured this was ok since I would make time up on the drive home, I gazed upon the 500 coffee tables on display in different shapes, styles and materials, I chose with the help of my mother a coffee table, a metal and glass coffee table, in a very minimalist style, I sought my mothers advice because I’m trying to think ahead, what if I get married someday and my future wife doesn’t like the fact that all of my furniture doesn’t really match!? My mother assured me that once I get married my wife will replace all of my furniture anyway so get what I like at the moment, so that’s exactly what I did.

Mission accomplished right? Well the first two parts, get in, get the table, now for the last objective, get out. I had a map, there were signs everywhere and I was fairly confident at my ability to follow signs. Little did I know they put these signs in strategic locations in order to confuse you the customer! They also do not tell you that a sign that says “Register” may just mean that the register is in that general direction, but could possibly 3 miles away on a different floor! I walked with purpose towards what I believed was the register, but ended up getting lost several times, constantly coming out right at the elevator were my adventure had begun. Each time I came back to the elevators I got more and more confused, With endless asiles extending who knows how many miles, I got lost in a labyrinth of hangers, Tupperware, and kitchen utensils! AHHHHH! When would the madness end! Maybe the reason the parking lot was so full is because all of the other shoppers were lost in the store! And would be rounded up at the end of the day by Ikea reps so tired from their perilous journey that they would buy whatever was suggested to them! I contemplated leaving without the coffee table, but I was man on a mission and would not be denied the fruits of my quest. So I decided to do the unthinkable! I asked a sales associate how to find the registers.

She told me in a hushed tone, “Go to the end of this asile and turn left, there you will see a man in orange, say nothing to him except the words “tuna fish” and he will lead you out!” Wow Ikea has its very own underground railroad! . So I found the man, said the code words and escaped Ikea, not without my prize of course. At last I was free of this madhouse.

It took me over an hour to escape that store, but should I ever need to go again I can go confident in knowing that I have mastered the perils of Ikea. And if I get lost again then “tuna fish” I just hope they haven’t changed the password.

Posted by Kalaan at January 30, 2005 12:27 PM